Falling in love is easy: It happens all across the globe, every minute of every day. Eyes lock across a crowded market, or your pass someone who makes you do a double-take. It’s all too easy to find someone who piques your interest, but finding a someone who is right for you? That’s a little more difficult.
Intimate relationships should always come secondary to your relationship with yourself – and like it or not – will always be directly impacted by how much you love yourself. If you don’t realize you’re a badass babe, you’ll always be looking for someone to complete you or fill in an emotional hole. That doesn’t work . . . Lovers who don’t love themselves individually is a losing game.
You’ll need your partner to prop up your self-esteem (since you can’t do it yourself), or you’ll feel insecure and become convinced your boyfriend is going to leave you for someone else. Maybe because you think you’re unworthy of a great person’s attention, you’ll settle for someone who is kind of a jerk.
Why be in a relationship if it doesn’t make you happier? If it doesn’t make you a better person, why are you wasting your time?
The best relationships happen when you combine two people who have their self-respect on lock. To put it simply, you gotta be in love with your wonderful in order to find a wonderful partner. We can probably agree that happiness is a major goal of being in a relationship with someone else, but the rest of it is up to you! We all have different expectations, whether we learned from watching our parents or we have concluded these expectations on our own.
I can’t tell you what you should be looking for in an ideal relationship. I can talk only about my own desires.
It’s for this reason that I recommend giving this a little thought. Today, I challenge you to sit down and make a list of the thing you want in a partner. This helps you gain some major clarity and perspective. It’s also a great thing to have around when you fall for some fool who isn’t up to scratch. Just look back at your list and see how many criteria your partner fulfills.
Here’s my list to get you started:
Sense Of Humor
A guy that make me laugh in times of heartache, depression or just anytime in general is a guy that will help to nurture a healthy relationship. The ability to laugh at one’s self and at life’s foibles allows a person to maintain a proper perspective when dealing with sensitive issues that arise within the relationship. Couples who are playful and teasing often defuse potentially volatile situations with their humor.
A good sense of humor definitely eases the tense moments in a relationship. Being able to laugh at ourselves makes life much easier. Plus, it is one of life’s greatest joys to be able to laugh with someone close to us.
Honesty & Integrity
My dream guy realizes the importance of honesty in a close relationship. Honesty builds trust between people; dishonesty confuses the other person, betraying their vulnerability and shattering their sense of reality. Nothing has a more destructive impact on a close relationship between two people than dishonesty and deception. Even in painful situations such as infidelity, the blatant deception involved is often equally (if not more) hurtful than the unfaithful act itself.
I want a guy who strives to live a life of integrity so that there are no discrepancies between words and actions. This goes for all levels communication, both verbal and nonverbal. Being open and honest in our most intimate relationships means really knowing ourselves and our intentions. While this can prove difficult, it is an effort worth striving for.
My ideal partner is open, undefended and willing to be vulnerable. No human being is perfect, so finding someone who is approachable and receptive to feedback can be a huge asset to a lasting union. When someone is free-thinking and open-minded, it enables them to be forthright in expressing feelings, thoughts, dreams and desires, which allows you to truly know them.
Their openness is also an indication of their interest in personal development and often contributes to the development of the relationship. Like perfect people, perfect unions do not exist, so finding someone with whom you can talk about an area that you feel is lacking in your relationship and who is open to evolving is more than half the battle.
Conversely, being willing to accept feedback from our partners and looking for that kernel of truth in what they say allows us to develop ourselves in a similar manner.
Intelligence is such a huge turn on for me. I don’t mean like Einstein intelligent. I just like a guy who can teach me something new; whether it’s a lesson as small as teaching me how to drive a stick. Or getting into a discussion about World War II.
Instead of trying to impress you with cheesy pick-up lines, he should be trying to impress you with knowledge! Intelligence is important because it lets you know that he can make smart decisions and inferences, form thought-provoking opinions and carry interesting conversations. You two should be able to learn from on another and expand as individuals.
My ideal guy perceives me on both an intellectual, observational level and an emotional, intuitive level. Someone who is able to understand and empathize with me. When two people in a relationship understand one another, they become aware of the commonalities that exist between them and also recognize and appreciate the differences.
When both partners are empathetic, that is, capable of communicating with feeling and with respect for the other person’s wants, attitudes and values, each partner feels understood and validated. Developing our ability to be empathetic helps us understand and attune to our partner.
Respect & Independence
A strong couple values each other’s interests separate from their own. They feel congenial toward and supportive of each other’s overall goals in life. They are sensitive to the other’s wants, desires and feelings, and place them on an equal basis with their own.
Couples who respect each other do not try to control each other with threatening or manipulative behavior. They are respectful of their partner’s distinct personal boundaries, while at the same time remaining close physically and emotionally. Valuing and respecting our partner’s sovereign minds and not trying to change them allows us to really know them as separate people.
It’s vital for me to be with someone who is ambitious, encourages me to be ambitious and – most important – has a positive outlook on life.
They don’t have to be the same ambitions or hobbies as yours, so long as your partner has other ways of fulfilling himself. Your guy should have other interests outside of your relationship.
You want someone who bring out your best self. A great way to tell if you and your partner should tie the know is by honestly asking yourself, “Does this person make me a better person?”
Make Your Own List!
Remember not to be too superficial! Ruminate on this for a while; there’s no rush. Think about what would enhance your life. Try reviewing and consider your old patterns. Is there a certain type of person you always go for? Are you attracted to the ‘bad boy’? Do you tend to get involved with people who treat you with a lack of respect? It’s time to dig deep and think about why you keep going back to these type of toxic people.
If, after reviewing your old patterns, you know that there are things you don’t want in your love match, simply write the opposite of that trait on you list. So, if your ex was surrounded by chaos, may you’d write ‘peaceful’ or ‘organized.’ Keep it positive!
+What’s your list of attributes for your ideal partner? What qualities are most important to you? Share them in the comments below!
Much love and good luck